Wrecking myself

I’m turning into a different person lately. I find myself getting irritable more quickly, swearing more often and getting annoyed sooner than usual. I believe it’s related to work pressure. Things just never seem to quiet down. They only get busier.

As such, I am very happy about going on a long holiday this summer, and I’m reconsidering the amount of work I was planning to do while on holiday. Perhaps it’s best to leave things well enough alone for a while and recharge myself properly.

That said, there’s money issues. My estate agent is doing her utmost best to prevent me from cancelling my rental contract, and it’s definitely going to cost me more money that I initially thought. Most of this is to blame on myself; I’m the one who let myself be deceived.

Pressure all around, then. No time to self-actualize. I hate it when that happens. That said, there’s only one solution: deal with it. It’s the phrase that best describes my life right now.

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No compromise: all ads are evil.

Feeling the need to achieve a bit of passive income I’ve investigated the possibility of adding ads to this site. I tried it out once last year and was not happy with the results. Since then I’ve received two e-mails of companies claiming to be more lucrative than adwords. Half intrigued I decided to e-mail them back to see what they’d offer me.

Neither of them was worth it. The first one will pay me 16GBP per link if placed inside one of my articles in a relevant context and 8GBP for a link with description at the end of an article. It seems to be a one-time payment, I don’t know if/when the deal expires. I am mildly disgusted.

But not nearly as disgusted as I am with the second company. The person who contacted wanted me to post a bullshit blogspam article about some technical topic, randomly interspersed with keywords hardly related to the topic. I can’t believe people would go for that. You must be really desperate to do a thing like that, destroying the internet with your fake content. People who do this should get a yearlong ban from the internet and companies that advertise like that should be fined tens of thousands of pounds or dollars or whatever.

So there you have it. I’m not willing to sell my soul yet. If I ever do have ads on my page I’ll probably go with adsense or something unobtrusive. And since most of my traffic are one-time visitors from search engines, I’ll add an option for the regular visitors to turn them off. But for now, this website remains free.

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Now it is the beginning of a fantastic journey!

Summer is going to be awesome. I’m going to meet up with old friends in New York for two weeks, and right after that I will be travelling to Japan for a month. Since not using an apartment in London for almost two months is a criminally expensive affair I decided to take this chance to rid myself of my burdens and my horrible estate agent, and just cancel everything. Well, except my girlfriend. And my job. It’s weird to have those two things and yet still be mobile enough to travel for two months. Thank you girlfriend, thank you bosses.

That said, I am actually going to be working while on holiday, a decision that met with some controversy with people I know. Is it really difficult to enjoy a holiday while still working from time to time? I’m not sure what I’d do in Japan by myself for one month if I didn’t also have work. Besides, something has to pay for the trip, I might as well earn my pay as I go along. For the first time since last year, when I loudly proclaimed that I’ll be a suitcase traveller, working here and there while travelling, I actually am one.

Expect to hear more of this soon. It’s been a while since I had anything to say here, I’ve been bogged down with work so much that I’ve hardly had time to think about other things. But the quiet period is over now. Many things need doing.

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Rules to live by

  1. Accept everything just the way it is.
  2. Do not seek pleasure for its own sake.
  3. Do not, under any circumstances, depend on a partial feeling.
  4. Think lightly of yourself and deeply of the world.
  5. Be detached from desire your whole life long.
  6. Do not regret what you have done.
  7. Never be jealous.
  8. Never let yourself be saddened by a separation.
  9. Resentment and complaint are appropriate neither for oneself nor others.
  10. Do not let yourself be guided by the feeling of lust or love.
  11. In all things have no preferences.
  12. Be indifferent to where you live.
  13. Do not pursue the taste of good food.
  14. Do not hold on to possessions you no longer need.
  15. Do not act following customary beliefs.
  16. Do not collect weapons or practice with weapons beyond what is useful.
  17. Do not fear death.
  18. Do not seek to possess either goods or fiefs for your old age.
  19. Respect Buddha and the gods without counting on their help.
  20. You may abandon your own body but you must preserve your honour.
  21. Never stray from the Way.

Dokkōdō

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A day off

I took today off to think about things. Here are some random bullet points.

  • London is cold and gray and rainy. Perfect for thinking. Shit for living.
  • The act of leaving the house and not knowing where you’ll go today is a wonderful experience that I cannot do without.
  • Not letting any conscious decision guide my activities today, I assumed I’d be spending time playing games, cleaning up the house or writing my startup pitch. Instead, I found myself in central London, wandering around.
  • My current apartment is not home. I will not feel at home in London until I move.
  • Perhaps I should try to get seriously wasted on alcohol and see if I can achieve a meditative state.
  • Fast-food chains in a big city provide a beautiful loud anonymity that truly gets me at ease, and in a different mental state from when I’m at home.
  • I want more random encounters in my life.
  • A part of me wants to get mugged just to see how I’d react.
  • For the past months I thought my memory has been getting worse. On a day without stress, it’s better again. Stress is preventing me from accessing my memories.
  • It’s not just the memories that stress affects, it’s the personality as well. I am literally a different person under stress, lacking the available brainpower to be able to watch myself from the third person while I go about life. Without observation there can be no analysis, no solution and no improvement. Stress is stagnation.
  • If I had shitloads of money, I would: slack off for months, go cycling in various countries, move back to Japan, and eventually end up being a programmer again.
  • Approaching 30. Everyone I know is getting married, settling down and having children. I am the only one left out.

 

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寂しい

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A day in the life

I wake up in the morning and talk to boss number one who is currently in Australia, catching the last hour or two of overlap between our shifts. She tells me to do urgent stuff on one project even though I’m already doing urgent stuff on the other project. I scramble together fixes, get as much feedback as I can while my boss is online and delegate the remainder of the tasks to my other team members.

Then I switch to checking how yesterday’s long-running tasks turned out. It doesn’t happen every day, but when it does it usually has something to do with performance/speed testing or delivering e-mail. I write scripts to analyze the results, find bugs, fix them and set up a new scenario for the next test. Then it’s time for lunch.

When I’m working from home I usually watch an episode of a tv show in front of my computer while I eat lunch, at the same time monitoring work e-mails and chat channels. Sometimes I deploy some websites while eating, since it’s quite easy to do in terms of keystrokes and mental power required.

After lunch I work on some tickets, some of them related to the long tasks, some of them separate. I talk to my buddies and try to help them if they’re stuck, and I pester them incessantly on the chat when I am stuck. I find weird behaviour on a staging site that I cannot explain away and dive in to find the cause. I end up downloading server logs, writing devil-invoking regexps and finally realize that I was an idiot and the behaviour is actually expected. I do all this while cleaning a server to prepare for another long-running task.

I go through my list of tickets, closing invalid ones and reassigning some back to the reporter, asking for more information. I have a tendency to write lots of information in the tickets, thinking that it will be easier for another developer to take over my tickets should I not find the time for it. But the other developers in my team are just as busy as I am, so that rarely happens.

Right around this time boss number two from California comes online and starts asking me questions about the long-running stuff I’m working on. I refer him to my tickets while I try to set up a new task. There’s another problem I have to debug before I can start the new task, and while I’m working on that and chatting with my boss I deploy the project I’m not working on to two websites and quality check the new deploy.

Now that my second boss is awake he reminds me of a problem that I forgot to look at during the day. Something weird is happening, and I track it down to code that is not our own, so there is no user-friendly way to work around it. I ask my boss to notify our users how to work around the problem and then continue to set up the next overnight task, which is now ready to go. I fire it off.

There’s always too much of everything going on; short-term work and long-term work. Work that can be done without a context and work that absolutely requires a context. Work that needs passing back-and-forth from developer to manager many times, or from front-end dev to back-end dev. Deploying websites. Performing quality checks. Sitting in on meetings that are not really relevant to my work. Writing API documentation. Writing wiki pages. If we have time to spare perhaps we’ll even write a unit-test. The last time we had time to spare was 6 months ago.

I wait for a while to see if the overnight task will finish early, but of course it doesn’t. I log out and close all work-related windows, although I check my work e-mail until I go to bed just in case a live site falls out of the sky.

The end.

Repeat.

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Sometimes I forget that I can do whatever the fuck I want with my life.

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Sometimes I forget that I can do whatever the fuck I want with my life.

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