What I want?

It's been three years since I came to Japan. Tomorrow the first fourth-year intern will arrive, and soon one of the people who started at the company at the same time as me will leave. I never thought he would leave before me. It's so strange. I always feel that no matter what happens, I will stay the same person inside. I am the same person now as I was one year ago, and one year ago I was the same person as I was two years ago. Yet somehow I do not seem to be the same person now compared to two years ago. Even while staying the same I change.

So, it's that time of the year again, and the interns are coming and going. It's often a period of sadness for me, as all my friends disappear and I need to spend some time with the new guys before getting used to them. Every year is different, and I wonder what the fourth year will bring. I'm sure that it won't be the same as the previous years.

All this change makes me think a little bit more actively about my own future, as I look towards my goals and ambitions, and I realize I have none. I think about leaving Japan, and I realize that I would really miss it. The small things, the big things, they're all things that I've grown used to and have come to like. Strange again. My life in Europe could possibly be a great deal more profitable and easy if I chose to come back, but for some reason I have grown to really hate the idea of going back to Europe. It just does not appeal to me at all. Japan is comfortable, and I could live here for a very long time and be happy.

I'm also thinking about moving somewhere else. English speaking countries are accessible to me, and Canada, Australia and the US spring to mind, but getting in is not easy, and I have to be sure of myself when I go there. Right now I am not sure of anything and quite comfortable here. Forcing an opportunity doesn't seem to work for me, but waiting for the right moment to act never fails. In either case, my parents will have to get used to me not being near them in the future. I'm sad about that, but that's the choice I made. I can't go back for them and feel unhappy myself. Selfishness rules. Yay me.

The goal in life is not the destination, it's the trip that takes you there.

Posted in Thoughts