We need to talk.

I've been holding back on this blog, perhaps unconsciously. I have a lot of things that are going through my mind, but for various reasons I never get around to posting them here. Sometimes I'm just lazy, or tired. Sometimes I have nothing to report, or I feel it would only be a repeat of something that I've already said before on this blog. But most of all it's because I am afraid. Afraid that some company that might hire me in the future will look up my profile online and discover something that they won't like about me. Freedom of speech is all fine and dandy, but if you value your career then you'd better make damn sure that your opinions are not in any way different from the masses. Or at least that's the impression that I'm getting in this paranoid brain of mine. Expressing your opinion is fine, but actually linking that opinion to something that allows people to trace you physically is quite different.

As a result this blog has been quite boring lately. Looking back on what I wrote for the past months, I can't say I'm pleased with it. I used to write my posts as a kind of  'brainlog', streaming whatever enters my mind out into the wild, clearing my mind while at the same time sharing my thoughts. So, as the end of the year approaches, it's time to clean out my brain a bit. It's about time.

I'm unable to buy a chair. It's such a simple act! I am physically able to buy a chair. I am linguistically able to buy a chair. But in terms of willpower I am not able to buy a chair. I want to get a nice new luxury desk chair for my room. Winter holidays are approaching and I have no plans whatsoever, so I figured I might as well sit in a nice chair while I explore the deep and dark corners of the internet. But I can't buy one. Every time I come near a store a part of me wants to go in, but another part argues that I am not going to be here forever and any expenses that I make from now on will be a waste of money, because I won't be able to take them with me if I leave the country. That sounds as if I really want to leave, but at the time of chair-shopping that was certainly not entirely true.

My job is awesome. I feel like I'm leveling up every week. Ever since I started my job my work has been varying and interesting, and recently the environment has changed and the pace has risen steadily. But at just the right level, not making things impossibly difficult, but just difficult enough. It's a fair enough challenge, and I'm enjoying the current pace quite well. One consequence of the change of environment is that I no longer have time to support my old software, which I really considered to be my masterpiece. It's too bad, but I'm sure that my software will outlast me by far in our company.

I've got a plan. It's a plan that strikes my delicate balance of  safe-crazy and awesomely epic. It's a plan that will either provide the ultimate closure or a brilliant new chance. In any case, it's going to be awesome. It's been a very long time since I've looked forward to something so much as I am right now. In all honesty 2009 has been the worst year since I came here. I am confident that 2010 will be very, very different.

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