I set my alarm clock to 9AM yesterday before going to bed. I woke up at 5AM, decided that I didn't have enough sleep, and turned off my alarm clock altogether. I slept until 11AM. I was determined to go cycling, but instead I spent the whole day in front of my PC, watching TV shows and mindlessly surfing the net. I was quite enjoying myself, or at least I thought I was. Suddenly, a couple of hours after dinner, I couldn't take it anymore and something inside me just urged me to get out. I grabbed my bicycle and got the hell out of here. I cycled like crazy and used up all my energy in less than 30 minutes. It felt great.

If I were to draw a chart of my willpower over time, it would be a diagonal line starting at 0% at 8AM, then finally reaching 100% at about 10PM. I am definitely an evening person.

I've been feeling guilty recently for a number of reasons. I neglected to e-mail my friends, I'm cycling way less than I wanted to, and I'm eating too much. I'm basically destroying what I've built up during six weeks of cycling, and I'm a little bit angry at myself for that. I'm angry that I don't have the mental discipline to wake up at 8AM, cycle 60 kilometers, search for universities and/or job opportunities, and then still have time and energy left for socializing and entertainment. That's definitely not how things are right now.

I always want to make progress in huge steps. Too fat? I'll stop eating altogether. Not enough exercise? I'll cycle 120km every day for weeks. Not enough meaning in my life? I'll enroll in a university immediately. Obviously things don't work that way, and I have to settle for little steps. Eating a bit less, cycling a bit more. And finally, slowly discovering that it might take a long time until I can enroll in a university again. That's quite a shock to me, because I've been one lucky bastard so far. Always a good opportunity appearing at the right moment. It's something that I've taken for granted, I guess.

I never really had to work hard to get to where I am now. I've gotten so used to it that I'm expecting things to be easy for me in the future as well. I'm bothered by that, which is why I seek to challenge myself more, for example by doing cycling trips and by going to university again. I really don't feel comfortable with something that didn't cost me a lot of effort to obtain. Case in point: a glass of water tastes terrible if you're used to drinking coke at your PC while swiveling your fat ass in a desk chair all day long, but after cycling 100 kilometers through the mountains on a heavy bicycle a glass of water is the most delicious thing in the whole world. If you don't have to fight for it, then it's not worth it.

Little steps.

Posted in Daily Life , Thoughts