I've been a bit half-assed about my lifestyle recently, and by recently I mean ever since I returned from Japan. An integral part of my personality is to reject certain things when they become more constant. I don't think this is a flaw, but I'm not sure if it's a quality either.

In any case, this rejection of permanence is the reason I am still living in a crappy apartment in London while having a contractors job. I've ignored all the signals that tell me that I'll be there a while: I love working at my company, and they're happy to have me, the situation with my girlfriend is perfect too and not something I'd want to change. So somehow I've managed to ignore all these perfectly obvious clues that are telling me that I'm not living the life of a suitcase traveler. That idea really disappeared as soon as I bought the massive tv, anyway.

I don't like permanence. Whenever I go back to Holland, usually with intervals longer than 6 months, tons of things have changed in my life since the last time I visited, yet Holland is still the same. Holland does not care about my life-changing experiences. Holland just sits there, calmly laughing at me while it continues its stagnation. Every time I come back here I see the same towns, the same people, and they never change.

There is one thing in Holland I absolutely love: the forest near my parent's house. It's near the lakeside as well and is perfect for walking and cycling. There have been some minor changes over the years, but it's mostly exactly the same as it was in my childhood, when I grew up here. It still smells the same. It still sounds the same. I love being in that forest, and whenever I return home I visit it as much as I can. It's the most peaceful place on earth for me.

Permanence can be perceived as a good thing and as a bad thing. I've experienced both sides but chose for myself to focus mostly on the bad parts. I arranged my life to be as unpermanent as possible in a form of protest against the permanence of the place I grew up in. I've been unpermanent for two years now and I'm starting to see the other side of it a bit more. Permanence is not all bad. It feels good to know that there will always be a place in my life that will never change, that will stay constant as my life keeps changing. Because it will keep on changing, of course.

In fact, one of the first changes I will make, is to add a little more permanence.

Posted in Dutch , Thoughts