Man is destined to never know true meaning, because if man could know true meaning, man would not be man.
Thoughts
A new year
Before I went on this winter’s Japan trip I told myself that the new year wouldn’t properly begin until after I had cycled Atsugi. I somehow also decided to pile on all my mental issues to be solved on this particular day, when I am in a good mindset to think about all that’s happened in the past year. I turned 40, lost both my parents, had some health scares and hit an important financial milestone. What a year..
Where has all the time gone? All these events certainly made me reflect on my life a lot. It’s been suggested to me that I lack ikigai. I don’t think I’ve ever had a clear purpose in all of my life (except once, briefly, a long time ago). The events of this year spurred a certain unrealistic sense of urgency in me, in that I somehow expected myself to find my ikigai on this trip. “Sure, let’s just get that pesky little problem out of the way so we can start the next year clean”. That kind of attitude. Obviously I was stupid about that, and I did not manage to find meaning in life in one day.
While I have no answers yet for any of the major issues I am facing, I think I’ve gotten better at pinpointing the issues. Ikigai is certainly a big thing for me, but it’s also an issue that’s waaaay at the upper end of the hierarchy of needs. It’s not something that’s on fire, and I can take my time on finding the right answer. I’m learning not to conflate my quest for ikigai with more practical issues like the “where-should-we-live” problem. It’s about time we found something nicer for our little family, and perhaps 2025 will be a good year to find our dream house. A third thing that gets conflated into this problem mix for me is how I tend to feel like a completely different person when I’m in the Netherlands, Japan or the UK. Integrating those parts of myself better is another thing I’d like to improve on next year.
So my mental image of cycling Atsugi wasn’t as glorious as it was last year. I was horribly underdressed from the cold, freezing my ass off, and the electric bike’s battery ran out before the slightly steeper bit, so I was pretty miserable when I came across the scene from the photo above. It’s one of my favorite roads in Atsugi, the one that leads to the mountains and lake Miyagase. There I found this old man painting the scene, and, looking at him, all my cold and misery just faded away and I felt happy. It was strange. My grandfather was a painter. Perhaps it’s something I can also find purpose in in the future.
I wish you all well. There will be more to come, and it will be better. Don’t be in a hurry.
For better and worse
Another year has passed. Another year in which I haven’t written much, and now there is too much to write. It’s not often that a year has ended so different from me than it started. This was one of those years, for better and worse.
I’m in Onomichi right now. I want to write “right back where it all started”, but it’s not quite that. It is a place that I have vivid memories of, though. Not in the least because it’s the start of one of the best cycling routes in all of Japan. This marks the third time I’ve been here, and it’s the first time I’ve been here in winter. The first time was at a very turbulent stage of my life, in my younger, “wilder” years. I write “wilder” because I was never really all that wild, but I was definitely a very different person then than I am now.
Despite the Shimanami Kaidou being an absolutely gorgeous cycling route and easily one of the best in Japan if not all of the world, the second time I came here, I could not appreciate it, and I couldn’t figure out why. I had begun to build up my life in the UK and had taken a short week off to cycle Shikoku. And for some reason I just couldn’t appreciate it the beauty of it at all. It registered clearly to me that what I was seeing was beautiful, but I was devoid of the positive feelings that I remembered from when I went here the first time, and I felt terrible for it. Morose. Dead inside. Being unable to appreciate that beauty bothered me for many years after that.
The third time I went here – now – is the year in which both of my parents passed away. This fact still hasn’t fully registered with me. Some people I know experience grief as a massive but brief peak and then it goes away. For me, the initial impact of such a major event barely seems to register, or at least that’s what it appears like to those around me. But then it takes a long, long, loooong time for me to come to terms with it. I’m still a ways away from that.
Cycling the Shinamami Kaidou. Three times. The first time in my youth, too naive to know about the troubles in life. The second time, with all the weight of the world starting to creep up on me. The third time, after it’s all over, for better and worse. The road was beautiful this time. I enjoyed it very much.
Happy new year everyone. New things will keep happening.
My mom died
I don’t know how long it will take me to get over the death of my dad, but I know for sure that it’ll be a lot longer than the three months it’s been so far. And then my mom died.
Mom had struggled with lung cancer for the past few years. She’d done chemo and overcome it. But when she started feeling ill after dad died, it took the doctors a long time and a lot of scans to figure out that, while her lungs were still clean (well, minus all the COPD she also had), the cancer was now in her bones. From there, it went really quickly.
I have no fucking clue what else to write here. Life is miserable right now.
Me
I am no longer adventurous.
I am too anxious.
I worry too much.
I am not as free as I used to be.
I am free-er than I ever was before.
It takes me ten years to get over some things. Maybe fifteen.
I am not a hedonist.
I can think myself happy.
I don’t want to rely on others.
I am no longer my old self and not yet my new self.
I have not slowed down in a long time.
My dad died
My dad passed away last week. A long-term illness, it was not entirely unexpected, and definitely exacerbated by his bad habits. But it was still sudden, and it still doesn’t feel real. During the past week I’ve had so many thoughts about it all, yet now when I’m staring at this screen, I don’t know what to write. But I think I should write something, because that is what I have done in the past, and that is why I’ve kept this blog alive for so long. Write about big things. Let people know you’re alive. That kind of thing.
It’s odd how life just.. continues, as if nothing happened. My dad was always a huge presence in my life when I was growing up, and thanks to both my parents I have had a fantastic childhood. They never had a lot, and they gave me more than anyone could have expected from them. He was well known by everyone in town, and he was always kindhearted to everyone, even if they did not deserve it. He struggled with his health for the last few years, and it’s a relief for him and those around him that he’s no longer in constant pain.
I left my home country almost twenty years ago, but I’d been back plenty of times throughout the years, sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. I definitely didn’t quite see eye to eye with him in the end. We had too many differences of opinion, and my dad was always “right”, so I didn’t much feel like sticking around for that. I’ve never regretted that decision, and I still don’t. This time, going back to my home town for the funeral, seeing what other people have built up there while I’ve been away, I don’t know how to feel about that. A part of me wishes that I’d also been a part of that, but another part of me knows that I have to make my own path. Just as one can not un-see things, one can not un-experience life, so I think that makes it very difficult for me to go back. I’m very glad to see people who are committed to a lifestyle, a person, a location, so thoroughly, but that is the kind of resolve and determination I just don’t feel about anything or any place, yet. Perhaps that will come later.
So, what next? We deal with the things that are thrown at us, and move on. Life will continue to happen. Let’s make the most of it.
Past lives
I saw Past Lives the other day. I don’t think it was the best of the oscar nominees, but it was the one that resonated with me the most. I too left a country to start a new life, twice. It takes a little time, but, after a while, it really does feel that the person I was in those past lives is just a completely different person. It affects the people you leave behind, but also my own life; every time I go back to one of the countries I used to live in, I can’t help but be reminded that that life is now gone forever. Depending on my state of mind, and which bits of the past I remember, that can either feel sad, or liberating.
I’m turning 40 this year. Insert cliché here. Because my past lives were all very real breakpoints in life I think turning 40 doesn’t affect me as much as it might others. If I had lived only one life, I would have a lifetime worth of things I still want to accomplish by now. Instead, I have two past lives’ worth of things that other versions of me wanted to accomplish, and I feel less emotionally attached to those things than I wish I would. I still want to cycle Japan, but it’s not a hobby that current-me would start. I still like going back to Holland, but I can definitely no longer call it my home.
I’d like to write a book. I’d like to build a computer game, from the ground up, by myself. I’d like to be at peace again, the way my past lives were. Despite having it better than ever, I’ve never worried as much as I do now. Though perhaps that’s finally starting to decrease a little. I don’t know if hitting 40, or other upcoming events in my life, will trigger a new life. For the moment at least, I want to make the most of my current life.
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Thoughts
Lifestyle changes
This week has just been full of surprises. A while ago I was diagnosed with a long-term disease that affects what I’m allowed to eat and drink. Today I was diagnosed with a second long-term disease that also affects what I’m allowed to eat and drink. I’ve barely reached middle age, but the doctor was quite clear that the changes to my body are irreversible, and I won’t be able to keep the same lifestyle that I used to have when I was younger.
That came as quite a shock to me, even though I knew it shouldn’t. I know I’ve got health issues I should take better care of, but I always seem to get away with things as long as I occasionally do something healthy to counteract all the unhealthy things I’m also doing. That definitely seems over now. I’ll need to severely limit myself in what I eat and drink, otherwise I’m very likely to die. It’s as simple as that.
Initially, when I heard the diagnosis, I felt upset, because I didn’t want to lose what I had. I was happy with my life, I didn’t want to make changes. But now that I’ve thought about it, and now that it’s absolutely clear that it’s just necessary, it just seems fine to me. Just another thing I have to do to survive. I think I can adjust my mindset to accept the new reality, but only time will tell. Time never stops.
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Thoughts
The meaning
When I was younger I knew with absolute certainty that I wanted to be cryogenically frozen when I died, so I could eventually live again, whenever science has evolved enough to resuscitate my icy cold head. Why wouldn’t I want to live forever? At the very least I could observe the world endlessly and see what happens. I think I felt a lot more special, important and unique back then. Now that I’m hitting middle age, I’m kind of ok with just fading into obscurity after I die. My contribution to the world will end when I die. All I want to do until then, is ensure that my contribution is a positive one. Exactly what that contribution is and how it will be judged, I still have no idea.
I’m definitely resonating with the ‘middle’ in middle age lately. A lot of the goals I have are pass-me-ons from my younger self. I remember the enthusiasm I had for my goals back then, but nowadays.. it’s all just kind of faded away. I know that I have to do something with my goals before I hit old age. The reason for that is pretty simple: my family doesn’t age well. Looking at how others in my immediate family have aged, even if I do everything right, it’s pretty unlikely that I’ll have a good quality of life after 70, and personally I wouldn’t bet on my chances after 65 either. If I want to achieve things, it needs to be before then. It reminds me of the Your Life in Weeks post by Wait But Why. We should spend our time wisely.
I always considered myself an Optimistic Nihilist. The nihilist part of that is: I believe that, ultimately, there is no real meaning behind anything, and when we die, that’s it. But the optimist part of that is: if all that’s true and nothing really matters, then we might as well enjoy ourselves while we can and live life to the fullest. This was my belief when I was young, and I believe that I still believe this now, although lately my applied beliefs are more in line with that of a paperclip maximizer. I exist to provide, and I provide to exist. I try to make money so I can exist longer. I try to keep my body somewhat healthy so I can exist longer. I don’t consider any of that a great life goal in and of itself, but, despite literally decades of thinking about this, it’s still the only answer I can give myself, and I’m in a privileged enough position to not have to worry about the simpler challenges in life, like being employed, fed and healthy, for which I am very grateful. For now though, all I’m doing is buying myself more time to think.
I’m still at the lower end of middle age. I have time. I don’t know what to do with that time yet. But I have time. There should be more.
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My Japan
It’s been an interesting year for me. Not-so-great things happened in the years before, but this year it really felt like things were starting to look up again. It’s been great to be able to go on holiday to Japan and spend some time away from the drudges of daily life, while also being in the right mindset to properly appreciate the time away. Today, sitting at the riverside, listening to music, it felt amazing to just take in the scenery and be in the moment. It’s something I’ve not done nearly enough lately.
I’m getting older. I’m not the same person I used to be when I lived here, already more than ten years ago. I’ve got different priorities, different hobbies. Being back here feels like I am meeting my past self, exposing all those changes I otherwise don’t really think about. There’s some things that my past self and I have differing opinions on, and being where I used to live a long time ago those differences become readily apparent. It’s a valuable and interesting experience, because it helps me appreciate how I’ve changed, for better and for worse.
Lastly, I was able to test if I could still enjoy Japan in the same way that I used to enjoy it back then. This, at least, is one part of me that hasn’t changed. I don’t think anyone I’ve met here has experienced Japan in quite the same way I did (and that’s only natural – everyone has their own story to tell). The way I intrinsically appreciate Japan is mine and mine alone, and not something I can easily put into words. But even after 17 years that feeling is still there, and I can still find those golden moments here. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of Japan.
Happy new year everyone.