My dad passed away last week. A long-term illness, it was not entirely unexpected, and definitely exacerbated by his bad habits. But it was still sudden, and it still doesn’t feel real. During the past week I’ve had so many thoughts about it all, yet now when I’m staring at this screen, I don’t know what to write. But I think I should write something, because that is what I have done in the past, and that is why I’ve kept this blog alive for so long. Write about big things. Let people know you’re alive. That kind of thing.
It’s odd how life just.. continues, as if nothing happened. My dad was always a huge presence in my life when I was growing up, and thanks to both my parents I have had a fantastic childhood. They never had a lot, and they gave me more than anyone could have expected from them. He was well known by everyone in town, and he was always kindhearted to everyone, even if they did not deserve it. He struggled with his health for the last few years, and it’s a relief for him and those around him that he’s no longer in constant pain.
I left my home country almost twenty years ago, but I’d been back plenty of times throughout the years, sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. I definitely didn’t quite see eye to eye with him in the end. We had too many differences of opinion, and my dad was always “right”, so I didn’t much feel like sticking around for that. I’ve never regretted that decision, and I still don’t. This time, going back to my home town for the funeral, seeing what other people have built up there while I’ve been away, I don’t know how to feel about that. A part of me wishes that I’d also been a part of that, but another part of me knows that I have to make my own path. Just as one can not un-see things, one can not un-experience life, so I think that makes it very difficult for me to go back. I’m very glad to see people who are committed to a lifestyle, a person, a location, so thoroughly, but that is the kind of resolve and determination I just don’t feel about anything or any place, yet. Perhaps that will come later.
So, what next? We deal with the things that are thrown at us, and move on. Life will continue to happen. Let’s make the most of it.