Life on autopilot

And what a mess it's become. The pilot's been on autopilot so long that he doesn't remember how to fly the plane! I've been cruising on autopilot for so long that it's become second nature. I'm feeling quite beside myself right now. I hear myself talking to people, answering to questions, going to parties, programming, cycling, and it's all like someone else is doing it and it's not really me. When someone asks me a question I think 'how would rv reply?', and then I use that response or think of a better one. My lifestyle has been defined so I can fall back to the definition.

Today we had a commonroom party. On Wednesday. To celebrate the Chinese new year which starts today. I don't know if it's sleep deprivation or because I have other things on my mind, but I hardly noticed the party at all. Things feel normal and my brain is elsewhere. Then, after the party, I sent Wendy and Maiko home, on my slippers, in the rain, freezing cold, and decided to stop by the convenience store for a 3 o'clock snack. 3 o'clock at night. And it's all normal. It's what I expect of life here and it doesn't surprise me in the least that I do these things. As I said, my mode of operation has been defined and I stick to it.

Yet lately, while my internal mode of operation is still the same as ever, the external factors suddenly change a lot. Things are changing, and I need my conscious mind to react to it. Yet my conscious mind is nowhere to be found because I've been functioning on autopilot for the past few months. Waiting for the next best event caused me to miss it.

Although I say autopilot, in reality people might not notice much of a difference. But especially last week, during high stress periods and sleep deprivation, I tend to go to autopilot. I don't think about the words that come out of my mouth. I don't think about the things that I do. Everything happens automatically, and as a result I become a dull and rude person. I'd like to think that I can be a fun person to be with when I'm awake and functioning, but during these autopilot hours I am utterly boring. Daily tasks at work go fine, but creative thinking is nearly impossible. The same goes for private life too. I'm thinking about some things too much, and this makes me confused and forgetful. Today I've been thinking the whole day about doing something important. When finally the time came to do it, I realized I left exactly what I needed for it at home. Even though I had been thinking about the important thing the whole day, I just completely did not realize that I was forgetting something.

My mind is blind. Time to unfocus.

(while typing this I did not realize that I was still wearing my headset, even though I should have taken it off an hour ago when I realized the microphone was broken when I tried to call my parents...)

Posted in Thoughts