Instinct versus Logic

This may surprise you, but when it comes to important life decisions, I always act on instinct. I just do what feels good. Those who know me know I place great value in logic, yet for major life decisions I surprise even myself by acting on instinct.

I can clearly remember some of the major decisions I made in life, and I made them purely because they felt right at the time. The first was to leave Holland and start working in Japan right after finish uni. That decision just somehow felt right, and I knew I had to do it. The second and third decisions are related to the cycling trip I made last year. Quitting my job in Japan to go cycling felt just as right as going to Japan in the first place. It felt like a eureka moment when I realized that I could make my life go in that particular direction, and from then on I just couldn't imagine living my life any other way.

My decision to go back to Holland and stay in Europe for a while was not entirely a feel-right decision, but I did have a eureka moment, while cycling, when I first thought of how I would return to Holland, and from that moment on I couldn't imagine going back in any other way. I just had to cycle back home and surprise my parents by just showing up on my bicycle. There was just no other way.

The worst decision I ever made (dare I call it that?) was one based on logic. Since I was somewhat decided to stay in Europe for a while, which by itself was not a decision made because it felt right, I decided to accept a job in the UK. A well-paid, exciting job that matched my skills, in London nonetheless, where I would be close to friends and with plenty of things to do. But it just did not feel right. One month later I quit, and  I don't regret it one bit. Even though I'm not convinced that what I'm doing with my life right now is 'right' in any way, the UK path definitely didn't feel right.

There's two things on my to-do list that feel very right to me, and that I must do in the future, otherwise I won't be satisfied with my life. For me, these are unavoidable things. They just must happen, there is no other way. The first is that I must do another cycling trip, longer, more adventurous, more free than the last one. The second is that I must go back to Japan.

The thing is, I don't know yet when these two should happen. For all those previous instinct-decisions it became clear to me exactly when they should occur. They just happened exactly at the right time. It's a bit like when you're in the shower, there is somehow an ideal time to stay under. If you shower for less or more time than that ideal amount, it just doesn't feel right. Or maybe that's just me being mad, who knows.

I guess I'm living my life right now, doing what I usually do, waiting for that eureka-moment that will tell me what the next step in my life should be. I've been waiting for a while now, I wish that moment could hurry up..

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