I often think about my time in Japan. Several times after I came back to Europe I seriously considered going back to Japan. The reason I didn't was partly because it would feel like I'm running away, but mostly because it wouldn't be organic. If I wanted to I'm sure I could force the issue, go back to Japan, desperately try to find a job and somehow end up somewhere where I wouldn't be totally happy. But at least I'd be in Japan. I don't want that. I believe that if I continue to live my life organically, going wherever life takes me, somehow the ideal opportunity will present itself and I will end up back in Japan in a situation so perfect that I can't even fully imagine it right now. Perhaps I'm counting on luck, perhaps I'm just going with the flow. We'll see. And if such an opportunity does not present itself then I might end up flowing to some other country for the rest of my life. I won't be unhappy that way. That's not in my nature.

One thing I do know is that I do not want to spend the rest of my life in Holland. The reason for that actually has very little to do with Holland itself or the things that distinguish it from other countries. It's because I was born and raised there, then left and became better. Going back reminds me of the time I was worse. I used to be very geeky, way more than I am now (which is a lot!). I had no social skills and was a generally uncool person. I know for a fact that I've improved a great deal since then, but in my mind I am still comparing myself to the person I was ~10 years ago, fresh out of high school. The me of that time could not even have imagined the things that happened to me since. I do (narcissistically) think that compared to other people I know the changes I've been through are a lot larger than average.

So I'm happy with my progress. But the way things progressed for me, I had a very big leap of.. awareness, right after going to Japan. This coincided with a sudden switch of never speaking Dutch in daily life but switching to English entirely. Therefore, whenever I switch to Dutch I am reminded of my old self, the person I've grown to despise. I am surprised myself of how much of this is hard-coded in my brain and simply won't change no matter what I do. Peculiar things remind me of my old self. Here in London I sleep in a wide bed, I sleep in in the weekends and I sit on the edge of the bed for a while before actually walking out the bedroom and into the living room. Exactly like I used to do in Holland when I was a child. It wouldn't happen in Japan because I had a tiny bed and a studio apartment. It's tiny things like that which suddenly remind me of my old self. I'm not fond of those moments, and perhaps that's why I'm looking for a place that is very different from Holland. Because there's a lot of similarities in my UK lifestyle and my old Dutch lifestyle. I'm used to it now, but eventually I'd like to move on to some place more different.

I'm awake now.

Posted in Thoughts