Thoughts

One with the bike

Posted on 2014-05-25 13:24 by rv

After cycling every day for a month, there's so many things I wish I could convey to others about cycling, and touring in particular. But words don't convey anything, the only way to understand is to do it yourself.

That feeling when you approach a minor hill at speed and manage to use your power to get up it without shifting down.
The satisfaction when you've been going up, down, up, down all day, slowly climbing, and finally at the end of the day it turns into a windless downhill just when the sun breaks through the clouds.
That moment when you reach a conbini after a huge hill, sweaty and tired, and everybody just looks at you in wonder, and you're just too tired to even care.
The feel of the bike when you're nearing a traffic light, and the weight of the trucks has made the asphalt stand up on the edge of the road, and you zigzag on and off it to feel how high it is to decide which side you should be on.
Pulling up to a traffic light and trying to time it just right so that you don't have to come to a complete stop before the light turns green again.
The smug satisfaction that comes from overtaking the same car/truck several times when there's several traffic lights in a row.
The 'brace yourself' moment when it's a windy day on a narrow road and an oncoming truck passes you at great speed, the gust of wind nearly knocking you over.
The reverse moment when the road is wide enough for a truck going in the same direction to pass you at speed and you try to catch as much of its wake as you can.
When you seat yourself firmly in the saddle after a lunch break and realize that your butt doesn't hurt because you've gotten used to your bike.
Quickly reaching under your saddle to turn on your rear light when approaching a tunnel.
Awkwardly reaching under your saddle for five seconds to turn off your rear light after a tunnel.
When it's actually quite cold and windy but your cycling efforts are exactly enough to keep you warm.
When there's rubble on the road and you know exactly which bits not to hit and zigzag around them with perfect timing and confidence.
Checking behind you to see if your luggage is still there, after every minor bump.
Slightly jumping up and down on the saddle while looking down at your rear tire to see if it might have gotten softer, after every minor bunp.
That downhill moment on a relatively quiet road when your speed and concentration suddenly increases and you start taking a wider line to ensure that you have enough space to maneuver safely in case of an emergency stop or evade.
The nod you give to a truck driver for making a very polite pass. You'll never know if he saw it.
The fifth time you hear a truck rapidly approaching behind you on a narrow road, and you decide to take a very wide line to prevent him from passing because the previous four trucks cut you off rather dangerously.
The scenery when you decide not to take a tunnel for a change, and the side road turns out to be beautiful and quiet.
The feeling of being rescued when you're near the end of your strength and switch from progress mode to search mode, and happen to find the perfect restaurant/conbini/camp site.
And my favorite one: the feeling of the warm wind blowing on your face after a huge descent from chilly cold temperatures into a warm summer breeze.

You must cycle.

Posted in Cycling , Spirit of Japan 2 , Thoughts

An open mind

Posted on 2014-05-23 11:44 by rv

I'm not sure what I'm trying to write. There's probably no point to this post. Maybe it's advice to myself.

Let's start with traveler's luck: it's that glorious moment when either you've not planned properly or your plans just didn't work out, and yet something happens that magically makes everything alright again. The best example I've got of this is on my very first cycling trip in Japan: we finished our cycling day quite late, couldn't find a camp site and then decided to go to a hilltop onsen instead since we were there anyway. The place also happened to have a restaurant so we had dinner there too. After dinner it was already pitch black outside, and we asked the owner if he knew any place nearby where we could camp. And the owner just let us stay right there, next to his restaurant/hotel, to put up a tent right there. The next morning we woke up with the most beautiful view of the tiny islands scattered around the area.

Another great example was when I reached the southernmost point of Kyushu. There happened to be a free-of-charge camp site right there next to a lovely bay. Due to pure serendipity I happened to arrive there just as two other traveler's arrived too: one by car, one on foot. We hit it off great and traveled around together for the next few days.

It's not always good, of course. In my case I often/sometimes run into trouble when not pre-booking a place to stay. I'd say for those times that you can't magically find a nearby hotel or camp site, it's 50/50: either you end up staying in a bad location (overpriced hotel or unsafe/noisy/dangerous tenting) or you end up being rescued by a local who either shows you the perfect spot him/herself or points you in the right direction.

It takes the right mindset to forget the bad days and remember the good ones, and to push your luck more in the future. It depends on your personality too, and might be difficult to change. You have to be somewhat in your comfort zone to give luck a chance. If not in your comfort zone, then at least you should have made some hypotheses about how far out of your comfort zone you are going to be if everything turns to shit, and if you're going to be ok with that.

In my case, my comfort zone has two edges: safety/security (which is a non-issue in Japan not even worth discussing), and cold. I've had some really cold nights in a tent in the past, mostly due to a crappy sleeping bag, and I've also been freezing cold from cycling in cold weather and working up too much of a sweat. It's nice to be (somewhat) prepared for the cold, but in Hokkaido the worst-case scenario is that you can't find a camp site or hotel and will have to sleep somewhere in the middle of nowhere, out in the open. Then you'd better hope it doesn't rain..

Modern technology enables you to eliminate luck from the equation entirely. Thanks to portable internet devices you can have internet all over the country you're traveling in. You can pre-book hotels on the fly, you can map search anything you want. There's no need to ask locals, no need to leave things to the last minute, everything can go as smooth as you want it to go. My advice: don't do it. Don't rely on technology. If possible, don't even bring the internet with you if you can avoid it. If you have it then the temptation to use it is just too easy.

I myself am a terrible example of this; during my current trip I've only done unplanned camping once, and it was a disaster. Every other time I pre-searched camp site locations before setting off, knowing how far they'd be. Most of the time on the days that I didn't have a hotel pre-booked or an endpoint for the day decided, I ended up in hotels rather than camping. It's difficult to take a chance when you have a certain positive (or at least neutral) outcome available to you. You can't swing the traveler's luck roulette wheel if you're staying in business hotels every night. Try a camp site or a youth hostel. Talk to people. Go on adventures.

Perhaps I'm being too careful. Perhaps I'm just acting my age according to my already un-adventurous personality. Perhaps after I've reached Wakkanai I'll feel re-entitled to a new adventure. All in all, this post is an assessment of a trip that is not yet finished. The moments that will be remembered and the moments that will be forgotten are not all accounted for yet.

Posted in Spirit of Japan 2 , Thoughts

The spirit of traveling

Posted on 2014-05-13 06:49 by rv

Whenever you're going on a long trip there are going to be good days and bad days, good places to stay and bad places to stay. The sum of all of these days always ends up being something positive; something you cannot possibly have regretted doing. No matter if a day turns out to be bad or if your hotel is overpriced or if you've had nothing but mishaps: tomorrow is going to be all different. Everything will change again.

Traveling is a state of mind. It's the feeling of "I have nothing better to do, so I might as well do it", or rather even "This is what I'm supposed to be doing right now", without having to worry about what else you could or should be doing with your time. It means that you don't get annoyed at long ferry waits because that's simply the way it is. It means that it's ok if your hostel has a millipede in your room because that's simply the way it is. You don't feel outraged or angry and you don't want to get compensated. You simply deal with it and accept things, without even consciously thinking those thoughts. Things are the way they are. If only we could always be in this state of mind, but the full-time job and the ownership/rentalship of property forces a different mindset upon us. We are the most free when we have the least amount of things to worry about it. If everything you need is what you are carrying with you then there is no need to worry about anything. Perfect control. Perfect serenity.

One does not need much to achieve the traveling mindset. Movement is vital: you must stay in each place only one night, and each next place must take you further away from your origin. Mode of transportation does not actually matter much; backpacking, cycling, train, bus, anything goes. As long as there is slow progress towards a distant goal, and a continuous change in the world around you every day. Continuity is important. Taking a plane and flying to random places in the world wouldn't feel right. It has to be continuous. And you have to stick to your own rules.

My rules are: don't take any transport other than cycling if you could go somewhere by cycling instead. That pretty much rules out all modes of transportation except ferries. You could consider ferries to be cheating, but I believe they provide an adequate sense of continuity to one's journey. Airplanes are bad because you have to bag your bike, destroying continuity. Buses are bad because they go by roads you could have cycled instead. Ferries.. ferries are the moment of peace between the long distances.

I've been slightly out of the right mindset at times. When you're out of it, doing mundane things during your travel (such as checking in to a less-than-average hotel or having a chain restaurant meal) may make you feel as if you're not making the most of your time/trip. But if you're in the right spirit then it's exactly these moments that make your travel, travel.

I am worried that I will lose this feeling: the serenity of traveling. I'm turning 30 soon after this trip. My body is strong, but getting older. My life is changing according to my age. I have a life I desire which requires me to have a house and a car, which requires me to have a full-time job, which requires me to not do spontaneous trips that last well over a month. It's a feeling I can't shake during this trip. I keep thinking: "This is so wonderful, but it might be the last time I experience this". It's a tad bit overdramatic. I've thought the same thing before; that whatever trip at the time would be my last trip. But there's always a next one. Circumstances might change over time; I might cycle a bit less each day, or I might spend more time in hotels instead of camping. But in the end, as long as there is continuity, as long as there is a continuous day-to-day change while moving towards your goal, then the spirit of traveling will be with you.

I am fascinated by the fact that my mind is unable to think these thoughts when I'm at home. I need to be traveling to unlock a part of my brain that I wish was unlocked all the time. That is perhaps also the best reason to recommend people to travel. You might unlock a part of yourself that you never knew about, or at the very least meet a long lost friend :)

Posted in Spirit of Japan 2 , Thoughts

Fear

Posted on 2014-04-28 13:35 by rv

Dreams are scarier than reality. The only thing to fear in reality is time.

Posted in Thoughts

Preparations

Posted on 2014-04-26 21:11 by rv

Four days from now I will be embarking upon what will be at least the second-biggest, probably the biggest cycling trip I've ever done, and I don't feel strongly about it at all. My mind keeps wandering, but not to the trip. Instead I think about what I'll do after I get back. How I'll have a go at making my life in order: getting a proper apartment or house, getting a car, moving out and so on. How I'm going to get from the Tokyo area to Nagano without crossing too many mountains has hardly crossed my mind, and that's only the first of the many challenges that await me.

Yesterday was my last day at work, and I can't help but contrast it to my last day at AK in Japan. I remember working until the last minute to ensure that my systems were documented and would continue running for the many years to come, as I was the last one with in-depth knowledge of the system that I built. There was always that little bit more to do, but then I finally had to go and join the rest of the guys as we headed off to my farewell party. Yesterday could not possibly have been more different. The project I am working on is well-maintained and there's three people at least as knowledgeable as me ready to take my place. No farewell party either, which is my choice really, as I'm sure I could've gotten the guys to grab some drinks with me. But I just didn't feel the 'farewell' vibe. And rightly so, since I'll be back there in a few month's time. I'm sure that by then the project will have left me behind and I'll have to start all the way from scratch again.

Another point of contrast is my personal life. Last time I cycled Japan, I had no apartment, no job and no girlfriend. This time I have all three. It's very clear what I'll come back to, so no need for my mind to do much soul-searching during the trip. I guess I'll have to occupy my brain in some other way. I suspect this will cut into my motivation, since I know that it's so easy to give up and head back to the stable life I've built up here in the UK. The mere fact that cycling is 'an enjoyable activity' for me is of course a great factor in my choosing to do this trip, but not enough by itself. It's not even the fact that I want to go back to Japan so badly, because that feeling has kind of disappeared after last winter's trip. If anything, my main motivation is exercise. I'm getting fatter and fatter, and I know that I need to lose some weight. Cycling is the most enjoyable way to do that for me.

There's no scrambling. Everything urgent at work was transferred or documented long before I left. I've taken care of all administrative stuff for the next two months already, arranged transport to the airport and am comfortable with how I'm leaving my room while I'm away. I've already made a list of everything I need for the trip and bought the things I was missing. I've got a spare bike bag if for some reason the first one breaks. I've got spare brake blocks, spare tires, spare everythings. I've bought a warmer sleeping bag after last weekend's Dartmoor adventure and even the mobile internet connection has been taken care of. British Airways is granting me two check-in items this time so I don't even need to worry about having overweight luggage. Too smooth.

This is the point where I say "nothing can go wrong" and am then suddenly caught off guard by something I completely forgot out. So let's not say that.

I'm still not feeling it! Because everything's going so smoothly I'm hardly feeling the urgency of the situation. I'll bag up my bike on Monday, leaving me all of Tuesday to buy anything missing or to fix anything broken. If the taxi ride goes according to plan then I won't be feeling the true travel vibe until after I arrive to Japan. It's hard to predict what will happen the first two days. My plan is to cycle south to Chiba and figure out accommodations along the way. Then I'll take a ferry to Kanagawa and cycle to Atsugi for a brief stop before heading North to Nagano. What happens after, no one knows. I'll worry about that when I get to Nagano.

Soon!

Posted in Spirit of Japan 2 , Thoughts

It doesn't have to be perfect

Posted on 2014-03-30 11:09 by rv

It doesn't have to be perfect.

Posted in Daily Life , Thoughts

Personality reconciliation is futile

Posted on 2014-03-29 14:54 by rv

I've spent the last week in the Netherlands at my parent's house, trying to do some life admin. When you live in several different countries there's always stuff that stays behind and remains undone. This week I did a lot of organizing in my personal life. It's several things that I no longer have to worry about now, which is great for mental peace.

Some of the things that I thought were a must-do when preparing my to-do list in the UK ended up being things that I just couldn't be bothered to do now that I'm here. And the opposite; some of the things I didn't think would be important to do while in Holland turned out to be a must. When I think about why I change my mind on these things, I can't help but recall my old theory of acting like a different person in different countries. I've blogged about this several times before but can only seem to find this post at time of writing. Based on my experience and the people I've talked to about this, I seem to experience the personality disconnect a lot stronger than others when I switch countries.

After leaving Japan and starting a new life in the UK I sort-of expected that this would no longer be an issue. My Japan life had ended, so I could 'discard' that part of my personality, though in reality most it had already been absorbed by my then-current personality. My UK personality was just a natural evolution of who I was when I left Japan, and one that I could (and can) continue to develop as my primary personality. In the early days of my UK life I found so many similarities between the UK and Holland that I assumed this would make it easier for me to reconcile the two personalities, linking 'who I am' to 'culture' instead of to time period, which is what I currently believe it's based on.

Such is my shock when I go back to Holland now and assume my UK personality by default, only to be slowly pummeled back into that indifferent teenager that I was when still attending uni and living with my parents. Despite my best efforts at being one person, I always end up being two! Or three, even, because as it turns out my Japan life never really ends either. There's still remnants of my life there that I regularly interact with, and there's plenty of chance in the London area (and Europe) to meet with old friends from those days, which inevitably conjures up the naive and innocent little me from my Japan days. I find it a bit easier to be the 'current' UK-me in those situations compared to when I'm back to being Holland-me, possibly because UK-me and Japan-me are simply more recent.

It doesn't seem to make sense to do a force-shutdown of my old lives in order to enforce the 'one true personality'. Instead it's best left to let it simmer down slowly without bothering to forcefully integrate it into my current personality. That way I can enjoy the old times and the new. There is no conflict any more. I know who I am now and who I was before. If I occasionally clone a personality linked to a time period every once in a while, that's probably a sign that I'm making progress as a person.

So they're backup copies of myself, really.

Geek analogy: lives in other countries are like old savegames of games you no longer play any more. You tend to forget all about those lives, but sometimes chance makes you find them again and you suddenly remember exactly where you parked your cars in GTA:Vice City or San Andreas. Ah, the good old days..

Posted in Thoughts | Tagged psychoborg

I am a stoic

Posted on 2014-03-22 14:53 by rv

Wikipedia: Stoicism

A lot of philosophy only holds true if one's basic needs are fulfilled. You could easily claim "I can be happy with whatever happens in my life" if you've got a sustainable lifestyle. It doesn't even have to be lifestyle- or hierarchy-of-needs related. In my case, I can control my happiness level perfectly while living in a very tiny apartment and spending a disproportional amount of my salary on living and commuting, but I can't convince myself to be happy if I'm trying to sleep and there's a mosquito buzzing around my ear. Finding out which things I can tolerate and which things I can't is a never-ending journey of ~~pain and misery~~ happiness.

In this post I'm really only focusing on a subset of stoicism, namely that of "Freedom is secured not by the fulfilling of men's desires, but by the removal of desire". It's quite difficult to believe this and yet be ambitious at the same time, at least for me. The best I can do is convince myself that the ambition part of my life is only just a game, because, since I am a stoic, it is something I could easily live without and therefore cannot place a very high value on losing it, because I can convince myself to be happy regardless of the outcome of my ambitions.

Fortunately, I am aware of this, so when I realize that my stoicism is causing me to miss chances in life, my conscious mind reminds me of it and I can try to self-correct. It takes a conscious effort though, in the same way that an introvert needs to spend conscious effort on socializing. It tends to be less prevalent when I'm tired or stressed out.

I've been this way since university. No matter what happens, my state-at-rest always returns to being a stoic. It's a very solid foundation for a life. Perhaps too solid. Thoughts?

Posted in Thoughts | Tagged stoicism

Identity

Posted on 2014-03-09 21:07 by rv

I have a confession to make: the pseudonymous blog experiment is a failure. Two reasons:

There are too many things I cannot mention or have to be vague about in order to remain pseudonymous. Just like my on real blog, I find myself limited in the things that I am able to say, but for entirely different reasons.
Most (if not all) of the things I wrote pseudonymously in the past four months are topics that I would not mind having my real name attached to. In fact, for some of the topics I wrote about, having my real name attached to it would benefit me in real life, as they are about technology and would help promote me as a programmer.

The reason that this blog, the real blog, has been offline for so long is because my free trial on Amazon EC2 finally ended. Having already decided that I wouldn't blog here any longer I decided to take the site offline for the time being, while working on a static version that I could host on S3. I never got around to that though.

When faced with the choice of statically perserving the site, or keeping it active and allowing myself to blog with my real identity, it was pretty clear what I wanted. So here we are! Back in business! :)

Posted in Tech , Thoughts

Reflective thought of the evening

Posted on 2013-10-20 23:36 by rv

Life is normal. And that's great.

Posted in Daily Life , One-liners , Thoughts

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