Looking for a home

After all that has happened for the past weeks, or maybe because of all that happened, this place is still my home. I feel so at home here. I don't know why. I feel very comfortable. At work and at home. It's not because of Japan. It's not because of my friends. It's because of myself.

I am thinking about my future. Too much, as usual. I am changing the way I am thinking continuously. I used to think I can only feel at home if I have certain things. Things like internet, a PC with lots of games, lots of anime, but also things like my family, and my friends. I gave up most of these things when I came to Japan, and I came to realize I don't actually 'need' any of these things. Of course I need my family, but I know they will be there for me when I need them, and I will be there for them when they need me. This is certain and will not change.

I changed my mind again. I believed that you need friends to feel at home. Not entirely true, but I felt really dependent on my friends then, back in the time when everybody left Japan to go back to their own home. I became very good friends with some people, better even than with my best friends in Holland. And I felt I needed them. But as you get closer to people you realize that they are farther away than you think, and that there will always be a distance between you. They have a life of their own, they don't share yours. That's why friends come and go. I learned to value my friends in this way, and they are very important to me.

My mind is so clear. I had a great rest on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. I slept for more than 8 hours each day. It's been several months since I had such a great rest. I cannot believe how clear I am now on certain things that have been keeping me occupied recently. A lot of things did not go the way I wanted it recently, and I could not fix them. This was mostly my fault, I made the wrong decisions. Maybe because of lack of sleep, but probably because I was not mature enough. Maturity is not something you can learn easily. Just by experience I guess. By living your life. And by not being sleepy every day ;)


Trust yourself.

Improve yourself.

Never give up.


Wouldn't it be great to have someone to share your life with?

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