The colorful wolf

I am officially bored to death. I lack motivation to do anything, so I will spend my time collecting my thoughts and writing them on my blog. At least it will give me something to do. I was planning to fix my bike today, but since I"m not planning to go out tonight I might as well do it tomorrow, when the stupid ty is farther gone.

Me being bored. This by itself is nothing new. I'm often bored. This year, whenever I am bored, I call upon some friends to go out and do something, or I talk to people on MSN, or I make plans for trips. Usually I'm quite happy to be doing nothing at all, as long as I know that I have some other options for things to do. Right now most of my friends are gone traveling or gone home. If they were still here I probably would feel just as bored, but a lot less miserable.

Last year, and basically every year before that, I liked being alone. Being alone gave me a lot of time to pursue things that interest me, like computer games, anime, manga, comics, etc. I am still interested in these things, but I can't seem to get motivated to do anything. I've been viewing anime a lot this weekend, but it only seems to me like something to do until my friends get back. I remember Kamil telling me last year, a couple of months after he arrived, that he was not used to being alone at all, and that he usually didn't spend much time by himself. Quite the opposite of me. Since then he's been spending more time alone, and I've been spending more time with my friends.

I do feel like I lost something. If I hang around with my friends too much, I lose the feeling of being comfortable when I'm alone. I can't seem to have both. People have started to leave for home this year already, and more will follow. I feel that it brings the remaining people closer together though, just like last year. I don't like how I feel right now, and I'm afraid that I will want to leave this place very soon after September, when everybody from last year will be gone.

I'm going home in August. I wonder if it's still my home. I go there, but actually it's my parent's home. I go there to visit them, and to visit my friends. I planned 3 weeks in Holland, but I am thinking of cutting my visit short, and changing it to 2 weeks. Right now Japan is the place where I want to be. I could live for the rest of my life in Japan, and I would like to live for the rest of my life here, in my current lifestyle. But this life will disappear soon, and that leaves me with little reason to stay here. After September only my contract and zero expectations bind me to Japan.

What the hell is going on with this stupid tropical storm!? It rained for the whole day yesterday, and today still. By this time the storm should have passed Atsugi already, and left just about no effect whatsoever.

Life is too normal for me. My lifestyle lately has been the same pattern every day, every week, every month. Sometimes weekends like this are good to step out of your usual pattern, and to look at your life from a different point of view. I read a book called "The five people you meet in heaven" recently. It was quite good. I can tell you without spoiling too much that it's about a guy who, in his twenties, takes over his father's job at an amusement park, and he ends up doing it for the rest of his life. Just because. Life is easy when you are comfortable. You sit down and you never get up again. Then I think about Kamil, who always (jokingly) tells me that I will end up staying in Japan and Atsugi forever. When I think about this, I want to quit my job today and move on to a different country tomorrow. I am definitely not a traveler by nature, although I do like traveling. I am a person who can stay stuck in one place for the rest of his life, and I would be content to have that. I need to be careful for this, because there are a lot better places to get stuck in.

The storm warning is gone now. Good. I guess I can go to Tokyo tomorrow, maybe take some pictures, go to Akihabara. Hopefully find some now place I haven't been yet.

I envy the people still in university. They have a life back home. They are here for one year, and then go back to the life they had in their own country. As for me, I have no life in Holland, and only my parents are waiting for me to go back. A life, I will have to make it for myself. When my life in Japan ends, I will be free. I can go wherever I want. I do not want to go back to Holland. I guess I am not expecting anything from Japan, or at least from my work in Japan. Something else I can just not let go...

Character development. Character development is attractive. When watching a movie, or an anime, it's nice to see a character develop, grow and learn things over time. It's no fun if the person is still the same at the end of the movie, unless his character is already really strong. I don't think my personality is strong. I'm still working on it. Which means I need some character development. This is what I need to seek for the coming year in Japan, or I will stand still and still be the same person I was last year. The core of people never changes, but they can 'level up', to coin a geek phrase. Right now I'm leveling up my physical stats, and my 'how to deal with stress at work' stats -___-. Let's see what else I can improve on.

I still believe!