I saw Past Lives the other day. I don’t think it was the best of the oscar nominees, but it was the one that resonated with me the most. I too left a country to start a new life, twice. It takes a little time, but, after a while, it really does feel that the person I was in those past lives is just a completely different person. It affects the people you leave behind, but also my own life; every time I go back to one of the countries I used to live in, I can’t help but be reminded that that life is now gone forever. Depending on my state of mind, and which bits of the past I remember, that can either feel sad, or liberating.
I’m turning 40 this year. Insert cliché here. Because my past lives were all very real breakpoints in life I think turning 40 doesn’t affect me as much as it might others. If I had lived only one life, I would have a lifetime worth of things I still want to accomplish by now. Instead, I have two past lives’ worth of things that other versions of me wanted to accomplish, and I feel less emotionally attached to those things than I wish I would. I still want to cycle Japan, but it’s not a hobby that current-me would start. I still like going back to Holland, but I can definitely no longer call it my home.
I’d like to write a book. I’d like to build a computer game, from the ground up, by myself. I’d like to be at peace again, the way my past lives were. Despite having it better than ever, I’ve never worried as much as I do now. Though perhaps that’s finally starting to decrease a little. I don’t know if hitting 40, or other upcoming events in my life, will trigger a new life. For the moment at least, I want to make the most of my current life.